Sunday, 6 May 2012

The Gloom of May

This might end up being a moan, but changing my blog design has instantly cheered me up!

Exams will have many people FBing how terrible their lives are and I guess I'm doing the same in this blog, Except I think my exams are leaving my brain starved of something to do. Saying this my exams seem so mind-numbingly easy to revise for I'm hardly bothering, which means I don't do as well as I should (Some would call this failure but my pet hatred for exaggeration should be left to another blog, possibly straight after this one). There's just no real life application or challenge to it - I'm currently meant to be memorising the answers to 300+ multiple choice questions for Macro-Economics. The 60 we get asked will be a mixture of new and current questions and frankly I cba.

Professional work is not on the table right now (and therefore not an issue, unless you're the sort of person who is happy to work 9-6 every day for minimum wage, then you're just the by product of a system you didn't create, working for someone else as their little bitch ... maybe I'le leave this one for another blog as well) but I do look forward to the money-spinning aspect of entrepreneurship. Making money has never been a problem I guess, but finding what to spend it on is a big, big, BIG issue for me, honestly, I find myself mentally trapped between feeling good about having money but not wanting to spend it and spending it all on consumption and feeling depressed that I have no money left.

When I left for uni it was meant to be a fresh start, but I was left 'on hold' for a while until I could get there. This frustrated me and something similar is happening now. I have to wait until after exams again before people will be back to play football, this frustrates me. I will wait patiently for a car over this summer, but again, this mentally frustrates me. Waiting. Precious time being wasted because of circumstance I cannot control. I find myself predicting what's going to happen when and my brain wants to be fed some unpredictability! I'm constantly in a higher state of consciousness because I don't drink, I'm starting to understand why people drink now (but it's still associated with a lifestyle I don't agree with - those who know me well will agree this is DEFINITELY for another blog).

The key to happiness seems to be lowering your awareness of what is happening, when really we should be focusing on what we want in our lives and making it happen. I regularly ask myself 'What If...' and it drives me insane - I then become anxious and may stress over nothing more than a philosophical argument in my head, knowing I cannot describe what I feel like to others. I'm growing bitter, and have my own opinions why; I think I have to be careful not to (what is so affectionately described by so many as) 'turn in to your dad'. I just can't accept this - I know it's deeper than that - I'm starting to feel slightly anxious that in my 30s I would have forgotten how to enjoy myself at all.

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